I was finally feeling like my head was above water.
As Kallen’s first year came to a close, my husband sat me down and had a hard talk with me. He shared with me his feelings on some of my anxious behaviors and how they were effecting him.
It was tough to hear, and I didn’t want to accept it. I fought it for a few weeks, continuing to deny that anything was wrong. My sweet husband, is the real hero here.
But after a few more hard weeks, I called my mom. My mom is has a MSW (masters of social work), plus shes my mama. She knew just what to say, as mothers do. She reassured me that I was doing a good job and praised me for reaching out. She encouraged me to start with some guided meditation and affirmations.
I started doing those daily, affirmations in the morning and guided meditation at night. At first, it was a major struggle. I felt like I was lying to myself, saying all these things I didn’t believe about myself. But I made myself continue on. I went from just reading them to putting them everywhere…On my bathroom mirror, my phone background, my steering wheel, and my refrigerator. I’m sure it looked so silly to see these seemingly random post it notes all over, but they made a huge difference. I also used an essential oil blend, when I was feeling overwhelmed or anxious.
By the time Kallen was 18 months old, I was starting to feel like me again. My husband and I decided that we were ready to try for another baby.
*small side story, I have Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome, and because of that it took me close to 2 years to get pregnant with my son*
Considering the time it took to get pregnant with Kallen, we were understandably nervous we would have another long wait. So you can imagine our surprise when we got pregnant the very first month we tried. We were so excited, and couldn’t wait to add another sweet baby to our family.
Trigger Warning…pregnancy loss
Then, at 7 weeks along, I started bleeding. At first, it was just some light spotting, it started on a Friday night. I called my Midwife and she assured me that spotting can be normal during the early weeks of pregnancy and encouraged me to try to take it easy over the weekend. I prayed all night, that it would be okay, that I wouldn’t have to join this club. But, that wasn’t the plan for us. As the weekend went on, the bleeding didn’t stop, but continued and got worse. By Monday, it was clear I wasn’t going to be able to sustain the pregnancy. I was scared, and felt like my body was failing me.
But rather than admit the hurt and pain, I pushed it away. I remember telling my mom “I felt like this pregnancy was weird from the get go, it was probably just a chemical pregnancy” and “I wasn’t very far along, it didn’t even feel like I was pregnant yet”. I didn’t really talk about it or think about it, other than acknowledge that it had happened.
It just so happened that the same week I lost the pregnancy, I was taking my Certified Lactation Counselor course. So that provided a welcome and convenient distraction from the miscarriage.
6 weeks later, I had another positive pregnancy test….